Unfortunately, this will be a very sad update. Brandon and I have lost our baby. We found out during a routine ultrasound on January 31st. As you can see from the previous blog posts, everything had been going normally throughout the pregnancy...or so we thought. I vividly remember and will never forget hearing the doctor say, "Rebecca, we have a problem...I'm not finding a heartbeat." My eyes filled up with tears right away and then I looked at Brandon. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I was in complete shock. The doctor kept trying for a couple of minutes to find a heartbeat. I kept hoping that he would, but he didn't. It was so heartbreaking to see the image of our lifeless baby on the ultrasound monitor in that completely silent room. I couldn't believe it. One of my greatest fears about pregnancy was having a stillborn, and it had actually happened to me. It's one of those things that Brandon and I thought would never happen to us, but it did. Then the doctor told us what would happen next. At 7:45 that evening, I would be admitted to the labor and delivery unit, where I would take a pill every four hours to induce delivery.
The rest of that day (the time we left the doctor's office until the time we arrived at the hospital...a total of about eight hours) felt surreal. I spent that afternoon lost in my thoughts about what happened that morning. I kept thinking about how unfair it was that I would be delivering a baby that I would not get to keep with me and take care of.
Eventually, it was time to go to the labor and delivery unit to induce. We didn't know exactly where the labor and delivery unit was, so we asked someone at the front desk. We managed to finally get to the right place and were brought to my room, where I changed into the hospital gown and waited while the nurse was getting everything ready to start the medication to induce. Finally, around 9:00 pm, the nurse finished asking me all of the questions she was supposed to ask and put in my IV and gave me my first dose of medication. After the nurse placed the pill in my hand, I asked her if she could just make sure that Seth was actually gone. I guess I was still in denial and was hoping that I would just wake up and everything would be fine again. The nurse said she was sorry and that the doctor confirmed it that morning with the ultrasound. I waited a few seconds, sighed with the realization that Seth was gone and took my first dose of medication. The rest of the night was very long and uncomfortable. Fortunately I managed to sleep some. I woke up several times throughout the night, but at least I was able to sleep for almost an hour at a time. I know it was very uncomfortable for Brandon, my parents, my sister, and Brandon's family too...I'm sure it was a lot more uncomfortable for them since they sat and slept/tried to sleep in chairs while I had a bed, even if it wasn't the most comfortable bed.
Anyway, 7:00 am rolled around and a new nurse came in. She introduced herself to me and Brandon and told us how sorry she was about Seth. She talked to us about a program called Share, which is like a support group for couples who have had miscarriages/stillbirths. She also talked to us about the grieving process and how men and women grieve differently. After that, she left and I probably fell back asleep a little later. She was a really good nurse and wanted to make sure that I didn't endure any unnecessary pain. Throughout the morning and early afternoon, she would keep asking how the pain was and asked if I wanted any pain medication. For the first few hours, I was being stubborn and said that the pain wasn't too bad yet. Eventually, the pain (cramping) was getting really bad and I told the nurse that I would like some pain medication, which was given through the IV. She seemed relieved that I was finally getting some pain relief. The medication ended up knocking me out within a matter of minutes. Around 1 or 2 pm, the pain and pressure got a lot worse and changed, so the nurse recommended an epidural. Brandon told me that I should get an epidural if I was having a lot of pain because Seth was already gone, so I didn't have to worry about the epidural possibly harming Seth. So, I agreed with Brandon and the nurse and decided to get an epidural. Getting the epidural wasn't the most pleasant or comfortable experience, but I got through it. After getting the epidural I started to shake a lot, and Brandon was worried and kept telling me to take deep breaths. When the nurse came back in, she told us that the shaking was caused by the epidural and she said not to try to stop the shaking. A little while after I got the epidural, the nurse checked to see if I had dilated and she told me that she could see Seth's feet, so it wouldn't be much longer before Seth came out. I pushed a couple of times, but the nurse said to stop because the cervix had gotten smaller after Seth's legs and body went through. She paged the doctor, who said to give me more medication and to wait a little while for the cervix to expand again so Seth's head could fit. We waited for a little while, and Seth finally arrived at 3:01 pm. I couldn't believe that our son had finally arrived. It was definitely an emotional moment since I had thought that I would be delivering a healthy baby...but there I was having delivered a baby that never got the chance to breathe or cry or smile or any of the things that a healthy baby would get to do.
In my next couple of posts I will talk about the rest of our stay in the hospital, the first few days after leaving the hospital, and Seth's memorial service.
